Chuck Norris Is a Badass

Who knew? This post at Intertextuality lists 25 reasons to fear Chuck Norris.

1. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he hasnever cried.
2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his footbroke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until hegets the information he wants. 4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it is not because he isgay but because he has run out of women.
5. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the "gift of beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus's obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight toa pirate. But that is a lie created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
15. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
16. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond. He simply stared at the man until he exploded.
17. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually, "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
18. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"
19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
20. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "Booya!"
21. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
22. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
23. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible. I've already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.
24. Chuck Norris is currently sueing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.