Paradise Blows

Iowahawk has the transcript of Zarqawi's eventful week, including his introduction into Paradise (hat tip: Little Green Footballs).

Okay, Thursday morning. I clock in at the office, pour a mug of tea, fire up the laptop and check out the latest posts on dKos. Sure, I’ve had my differences with them in the past. But with morale the way it is Allah knows we need a good laugh around here, and that sh*t is funnier than Homestar Runner. They had a new parody up, and I swear it had me roaring so hard I was on the verge of a sh*t hemorrhage. It had Khalid laughing to the point of tears, and when he goes to wipe his good eye he almost puts it out with his hook, and then this makes Mahmoud squirt tea through his nose, and then this gets the whole damn office going. We’re all just f*cking roaring, when suddenly there’s this silence, and then a funny high-pitched noise.

Tariq says, “did you just hear th...”

Now, back in the madrassa when we studied the afterlife, I always wondered what would be the last thing to go through my head. I’m pretty sure now it was one of Mahmoud’s anklebones. And if you’re wondering if it was painless? Imagine a full-frontal 800 degree root canal while listening to a Neil Young record. But hey, I figure no big whoop, just the admission price to heaven’s eternal ho sammich. So Zarkman walks toward the light. No sh*t, it’s a lot like 2001: A Space Odyssey, but in 3-D quadrophonic sensurround. And BOOM, plop, I’m in this gigantic white room, completely empty except for this hooded faceless guy and a totally sweet 47" plasma screen. So I walk across the big empy room to the guy, and I’m like, there is but one God, and Mohammed is his messenger, death to the infidels, yada yada yada. So I’m waiting for him to punch my E-ticket for Magic Ho Mountain, when he whips out a DVD and pops it in. It’s the director’s cut of “This Is Your Life, Zarkman.” Sure, there’s a lot of blooper material in there, but also a pretty badass highlight reel — the rapes, the murders, the IEDs, hour after hour of beheadings. Good times, man. Good times.

You'll have to read the rest to see how things turn out for him. Foul language advisory is in full effect.